"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" i am so upset right now. it seems i have learned nothing!!!. got into an argument with sister tonight. i cannot understand how people can get under my skin? how come I cannot control a response to their childish words? My only hope is that because I recognized what happened and am totally committed to not letting people get to me, I can learn to respond better. I have done a much better job at responding. but I am human and sometimes, sometimes I respond incorrectly. All I can ask for is forgiveness. You know, Tam should have forgiven me for not handling things better just as I forgave her for not standing up for me, for not communicating with me. Her loss. except for this episode this evening, which I am committed to not letting a repeat happen, i have been very happy these past few weeks. I have come to realize just how strong I am, what I want out of life. As much as I love Tam and will always desire a reconcilition with her, I am ok and I am doing ok and I will be ok. I no longer pray for her to get back with me. Don't get me wrong, I miss what I had with her terribly bad, I just no longer hurt from not having it but rather I know that is what I want with someone and I await the day when I meet someone that I will share that with again. It is kinda funny, I look at women that pass me by during the day and I think to myself, is that what my next companion, lover, looks like? I no longer have a need for personal ads. I have a dream, a goal for my life and if it is meant for someone to be a part of it, they will find me. and if it is for me to walk this path alone, then i will do that also. I have for so long tried to dictate my path in life, tried to be all things to all people. that is something i have learned the very hard way that is not possible. I have been just being me and it has been good. i have friends at work (bethany and i have drifted apart as friends, i wish her well and maybe i will get to talk to her from time to time). now i told my friend stacy at work the whole story about how i ended up in rapid city and then at don davis. all i know is it feels good to be me, to be an upbeat happy person and i want to keep that feeling. if i have to give up tam to do that, then i will. i would rather be that person with her though. she told me to move on with my life. she made up a bogus story about being a lesbian because she wanted me to move on with my life. i am moving on with my life. it is just a little harder than that to let go of a love that meant the world to me. i have come to realize that i have some good qualities that some woman on this world would like. i know this because once upon a time i thought there would never be a woman for me and now i have had 4 close relationships in 9 years. i dont know if that is a good thing or not, but it has made me realize that there are women out there that will like me for who i am. it has given me a peace of mind to just be me, do my thing and whatever happens, happens. my focus right now is on getting things organized in my life. this is the last year of my 30's and because of the things that have happened, it is only appropiate that it is the ending of my 30's because i have chosen it to be the end of my doing things the wrong way. it is the end of many things. my 30's have been a chaotic drama filled part of my life. i am setting myself up for my 40's to be a fun, relaxed part of my life. i have decided that everything is about the next 4 years. in 4 years, if jess stays in school, she will graduate. i intend to move then to where i want to live my life for however long i have left. I want to go back to rc, whether she is there or not. i love it there. i love the city, the mountains, the weather, everything about it. i loved exploring with tam, learning new things, building a new life. i figured up the cost of just leaving my stuff in storage for 4 years. it came to $2300. it will cost $1200 just to go get it. so it may just make more sense to leave it there and pay the storage fee until i move back. 48 months plus a few is not really that long. i think i will go this summer in the buick to get a few things and i am kicking around the idea of moving the important stuff into a smaller shed and donating the rest. that would make it even cheaper to leave it there. the only things i would bring back with me is my coats and clothes and maybe a few odds and ends. the rest i can live without for the next 4 years. if i am going to haul it all back i might as well just leave it there. that city is big enough for tam and me both, i probably would never even see her. i would think that after 5 years of not seeing her i could handle seeing her once in a while at the grocery store. we shall find out won't we. i have always thought i would love living in the mountains up north. i proved to myself i was right. it was everything i thought it would be and so much more. i used to never make a dream for myself because i always thought i would save that for when i met someone and we would create our dreams together. it has not worked out that way. so now i have my dream. everything i do is to make that dream continue, to become a reality. i loved living there so much, only my wife and my daughter, my stepdaughter, and my family do i love more than i loved being there. tam once said she thought i was trying things out on laura that i would use on jessica. well that is sort of true. because i thought of laura as a daughter, tried to treat her as a daughter, so what i was doing with her, of course i would do with jessica. they were my girls and i tried to treat them the same. the only thing i would have done differently with jess than laura is i would tell jess directly what i expected instead of going through someone else. maybe that was my mistake. i was only doing my best. everything i had read about being a step parent said, go through the real parent. maybe that does not apply always. i have learned that my job as a parent is to teach. i was trying to teach laura something about life. how to treat others. how to be appreciative of what others do for you. maybe i over stepped my boundaries or did a poor job of it. but it was meant with such good intentions. i am not perfect but i try to be an honorable person and that is all i was trying to pass along. it is the same things i tried to teach to jess. i failed there too. but at least i tried. so many do not try. i should not judge alton for i shall be judged, but from all i have been told about him, at least i tried to set the right example, tried to teach something good. and for that i hold my head high and have nothing to apoligize for. but i do think i could have worked it out better with tam. but then it takes two to do that and she did not meet me half way on that. why do we have to end it? why can't others have the same self-reflection i have undertaken and learn from it? why does tam have to write nasty mean stuff to tina? tina did nothing to her but be her friend. tam is older than me, but it sure seems she has more growing up to do than i do, or maybe i have done what she could not do, and because she could not do it, she felt i couldn't either and that is grow as a person. who knows?. i still love her.

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