A new journey...

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" as i was writing an email to a guy that is going through a similiar time as I have been going through, it occurred to me why I don't want to move on. I have decided I want to explore my feelings for Tam even more indepth than what I have done so far. I have written about my love for her, what went wrong, what I have learned, etc, etc. I know I could find another girlfriend easy enough. I could have one within a month, maybe 2 at the most. What I want to explore is what sets Tam apart from all those I have known and from those I do yet know? What is it about her that keeps me from letting go. I may never find these answers but it is a journey I must undertake. There was a time when I thought there would never be a woman that would take an interest in me. I have learned that is not true. There are many women out there that would enjoy my company, that would find something attractive about me and want to be with me, socially as well as intimately. But there is something different about Tam. I am not looking at this as a spurned lover that longs for what he had, but rather as someone that now understands that no matter what happens in life from here on out, what I feel for Tam is not likely to be duplicated with the same depth of feeling. Maybe it is wrong to try to quantify and analyze my feelings for her, but it is what I do to get past her. I want to explore and find out just why she means so much to me. Possibly if I can identify just what it is that sets her apart, I will know even more what it is I want in the next woman that decides she wants to get to know me. I know she has found another to love and that apparently she no longer has a love for me, but that is ok, I want her to be happy. And I do hope that this other person takes care of her, because it will not be a good thing for him if I find out he hurts her in any way. This journey is not only about Tam, but is a kinda of spiritual journey for me as well. It is not really about Tam, but about me, what do I stand for? What is important in the overall scheme of life for me? Why would I rather hold onto the past and my feelings for her rather than let her go and move on to another? These and many more questions are what I will seek to answer in the coming weeks and months. I have been reading the second book in the 'Left Behind' series. I know these are works of fiction based upon someones ideas about what could happen, yet I am glued to the books, I cannot wait to open them up and read the next chapter. I want to know what is going to happen! I don't believe it is coincidence that the Tribulation Period after the Rapture lasts 7 years just as it has been 7 years since this period of my life (meeting Dawn) started. I am entering a wonderful part of my life and I don't want to waste a moment of it. I look back on the past 20 years and it makes me look forward to the next 20 as I work to overcome and correct some of the choices I have made. I carry a wisdom that I never had before, but along with the wisdom I have accumulated I have a method for using it. Everything happens for a reason and my working with Roger Kimball at Ben Franklin was not an accident. I learned "critical thinking" and how to use it in everyday life from him. For what good is wisdom and knowledge if you don't know how to use it? I have known alot of the "rules" of life, but for whatever reason just could not see how to follow them. I was blind, but now I can see, and I know what I am looking at. Yes, I very much look forward to the next stage of my life. My focus is on my daughter, her children when she has them, and getting myself ready for the last stage of my life, the "after 60" years if I am fortunate enough to live that long. I want to be able to do things with my grandchildren, things I did with my daughter and some things that I could not do, because of money or distance, whatever the reasons. If, by chance, a companion is meant for me somewheres in all that, so much the better, but these are my priorities. I must say that getting this computer from mom and dad has been a huge moral booster. surfing the internet and playing with my digital photos is my personal joy. it is what i like to do. and now that i can set it up the way i want it, surf when i want, and edit when i want, it has made things so much better for me personally. dad got a rubber "elbow" form a wrecking yard yesterday for my car and it is fixed once again. I hope this is all for awhile now!! time to quite for awhile, my hands hurt!

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