"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" why do i torture myself so? i repeat many times how i am trying to get past tam, to stop hurting, i want to enjoy my new found happiness. yet i sit here making a love song cd, listening to some of the most sensous music i have ever heard. i listen to these songs (i highly recommend getting "the art of noise"), knowing they are the kinds of songs tam would love, the kind of music i would make love to her listening to. i look at the women as i pass by wondering if they are like her, if the would like me. wanting to know if there is another out there that would love me as tam did. with all the passion feeling that we shared once upon a time. as much as i would enjoy the company of another person this is not the right time because i would want them to be her, to do things they way she did. i am moving on, but that does not have to include being with someone. right now, i am not in a state of mind to want to be close to someone. friends are very good and i surely want to have some friends, but how can i love someone else when i still love her. just because she no longer wants me and she has another in her life does not mean i can automatically turn off how i feel. i do not run from these feelings nor to i try to hide them. running away is what got us in this situation in the first place. i took a look in the mirror and i decided there were things i liked about the man i saw and there were things i did not. and i made a vow to do something about those things i did not like and i have although it is a work in progress, it will be till the end of my days. my feelings have changed where i don't hurt so much about the breakup as i hurt because i feel so good and i can't share it with the one person on this planet that i want to spend the remainder of my days with. i guess someday i will be ready to meet someone but right now is not the time. bonnie raitt says it so well, "i can't make you love me if you don't". tam sent those emails, first saying she was with someone and it was a woman, that she was a lesbian. then she says she lied about that, she is not a lesbian. she just felt i was not moving on with my life. and then she asks me to mail her something if i find it but she has to include she has moved in with someone and they are "in love". why does she feel the need to include that? does she think it will make me put her in the past any easier? she is mistaken. just because she no longer loves me does not mean i have stopped loving her. to stop loving her would be to stop breathing. that does not mean i will not be able to love someone else, in time i will be able to bury these feelings, but never will i be able to stop loving her. i hope she is happy, that is all i ever wanted for her. but all she does when she says such things is patronize me. i don't want her pity, i don't want her apologies. i just want her to be sure in heart that all this is what she wants. we will divorce, we will move on in different directions in our lives. we will become distant memories to each other, but i hope once in a while she will think back to the good things we shared and how we played together and she will feel a little warmth knowing that no matter where she goes in life, there is someone out there that loves her beyond what most people are capable of feeling and that he will forever be a phone call away. when i look around, all i see, feel, and hear is tam. i pray to God that she be taken care of, that she gets through whatever obstacles come her way and that the remainder of her life is happy and fulfilling. i will make mine be as i will be nothing less than positive about my future.

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