"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" yesterday was not as tough as the 2 days before, but never the less, it was a tiring day doing double duty again. i recieve a number of letters from jess, she sent them to me, and some to mom and dad. said she was out of envelopes so she sent them all in. she should have our letters back to her by now and we will be sending more soon. i am going downtow dallas on monday to get a copy of my decree so that the ranch will talk to me more indepth about her and we can get me more involved in her counseling. i never sent a return email to tam. i dont see the point in it. what i do want to know is, why she felt it neccessary to include in her email that she has moved in with someone and they are "in love". why does she want to hurt me more than she already has? all she had to do was ask about her nana's drapes, she did not have to include anything about being in love with another. for someone that i thought was an incredibly sensitive woman, she has turned out to be the exact opposite. it hurts enough to know that what we shared together turned out to not mean very much to her, but to not only stab me witht he knife but to now turn and twist it, it is too much. i miss the woman i married, but now i wonder if she truly ever did exist? the woman i married rebuilds with alton so many times over so many years, yet i am tossed out and replaced like a cheap pair of shoes. does not seem fair, but my faith that God has another, bigger plan for me allows me to go forward with a smile on my face. I know things will work out for the best no matter what happens. i keep reminding myself over and over, it is not what happpens but rather how you react to what happens that matters the most. speaking of reacting, i made a mistake yesterday and because of it, i got a technician all worked up. he was supposed to get paid 2.5hrs for a job, but i looked it up and it was warranty (or so i thought!!) and told him he would only get 1.4hrs. he was upset, and then when i rechecked myself, i found out i was wrong, so when i told him of that, he got more upset because i made a mistake. in years past i would have taken it personally and got into an argument with the tech about how we all make mistakes,etc. and i would have just made things worse. i have done that over and over so many times where i try to make things better and end up making them worse. did it with dawn, it became the last straw in the end of our marriage. but yesterday, my reaction was to just walk away. let him cool off, and later in the day he came to me and i explained what i had done to correct the problem. i know i probably lost some credibility in my ability to look up warranty, but i rarely make those kinds of mistakes, and over time he will realize that and i will have that restored. but i think i kept his respect for me by not making things worse and arguing with him. i did not take his reaction personally, but i did feel bad because i told him one thing and then i was wrong and i just came out and admitted it to him that i was wrong. and i fixed it. i didnt try to make myself look good by telling him what i did, i just did it. it made me feel better doing it this way. i love the way i feel right now about how i conduct myself, how i react to situations. i wish i had been this way for the past 20 years, but better late than never i guess. people genuinely like me and seek out my friendship. it has become like a drug, i want to feel this way forever, so when i do find myself falling into and old habit of reaction (for that is what it is, a habit that can be broken, changed) i remind myself about a few things. take a deep breath, say to myself it is about the reaction and then formulate the correct way to react, to communicate, to negotiate. tam was wrong, the way a person handles things is nothing more than a habit and habits can be changed. she did not try to change hers, i can see now, she reacted the same way as always, she ran away. i hope she is happy with whoever she is with, maybe that person can show her these things where i could not.

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