Not gonna get down....

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" Well you could say when it rains it pours, but I am gonna just say it is more water for things to grow (as a metaphor for life right now!!). The heater core went out on the buick sunday. had to walk 1.5 miles to and a from the gas station to call a wrecker. dad and i had run up to fry's so he could return a computer part. on the way back, smelled coolant very strong and then the temp light came on. the heater core had busted. called autozone and they had one for $20. since sister had their car, could not get it until yesterday. so on sunday, not knowing how hard the job would be, I proceded to take out the old one. turned out to be pretty easy. yesterday I took dad to the dentist, went and paid my $40 money order to the apartments i will move to, bought the core and 2 new heater hoses, went to lunch at super buffet with dad and when we got home a 12:30 there was a message from my boss. he needed me to come in, had alot of people out. called him, told him my situation and that i would be there as soon as I could. we finished at 2:45, i showered and away i went. so i got 3 1/2 hours of overtime. I live and breathe positive vibes now. everything that happens i turn into a positive. i got another letter from jess. she is worried that i will not let her come live with me when she gets out of the ranch. i am going to assure her that if with me is what she wants, then she can come live with me. as much as i love tam, and i do love her so much, she has to be strong. i would reconcile with her in a heartbeat, but i have figured out and thought about the fact that if she is so weak that she would let a child stand in her way of her marriage, then she is too weak for me. because my daughter is who she is, i need a woman that is like me, stubborn. she is not stubborn, she just runs away. if tam became like me, she would say, "jess, the more you try to get rid of me, the more i will be up your ass!!". it really is that simple. tam always said she is a "big baby", a "chicken baby", but you know, i have come to realize, i have a tough child, a child that will get to you if you let her. and tam let her get to her. i had to be tough back with jess and i felt i was because tina and i didnt just let her run wild. we have stuck with her getting treatment. that is why i kep telling tam, i want to be near jess and have her visit, but i was not going to unless i knew jess would follow the rules and i still feel that way. i want jess to live with me and i want her to be happy. but if she is going run away, not respect me, then no. i ran into an old boss of mine saturday. her daughter is 20 now. at age 15 her daughter was running with a bad crowd, causing trouble. she told me if she had a nickel everytime her daughter told her she hated them, she would be wealthy. my old boss and her husband are raising their 2 yr old granddaughter themselves. their daughter comes and goes right now. you have to get tough. or life will just roll over you. i learned that the hard way. dawn just bulldozed me because i was scared of lawyers and the courts. i am not scared of anything anymore. moving to rc i proved to myself i can get work anywheres, that i can survive and make it. i could have stayed there and lived in that basement apartment. i would have survived. sometimes i wish i had done that. i miss rc very much, not just because of tam, but the black hills and the city, the weather. i would have brought jess there. i will go back there. every week i keep shortening the time frame for going back. now i am considering 2 years. get jess here, get her in school. dad already said that they just might live wherever jess goes so that they can be close to her. the love her so much, which cant be said for her other grandmother. i want to live in rc, but more importantly i want to live with tam. i want her to wake up, get strong and reconcile with me. i want her to have some self reflection. to learn what she did wrong and how to make it right. i have done that and i continue to do that. i am so much at peace right now. that does not mean i don't miss her. i do. i am just focused, i know what i want. i want to live with tam, wherever she wants to live. if that does not happen, i want to live in rc. and i want my daughter to live with me if that is what she wants. staying focused on my girs (tam, jess, and laura) keeps me from even considering another woman. i am not ready for that, may never be ready for that. maybe tam can "move on" with her life that easlily, but i cannot. all i want right now is my girls. if i cannot have them, i have my photography to keep me busy. i dont need any other distractions. i dont know how to let go. i think about it all the time. how do i say good bye? how do i make the pain stop? and i realize i can't. i experenced a feeling with tam that i just dont think could ever be duplicated, so i would rather hang on to that feeling. i have learned patience and humility through all of this. tam is a good woman she didnt deserve all that she has been through, i just wish she would talk to me, that she would feel my love for her and that she would once again want it. but she also has to gain a strength that she did not have before. she needs to decide that no one is going to stand in the way of her being a happy, especially a teenage girl. she needs to get stubborn in a different way than she is right now. sending me away has done me a world of good, but she needs to let go of the stubborness that keeps her from feeling how much i love her. turn it in a different direction. be stubborn in that she creates a boundary for me, a stubborness that she is not going to let my child run over her. be the stronger one. i can type all this till my fingers fall off, but it is what i believe and hope for. i dont want the tam i had, i want parts of her, but i also want a tam that is strong, that will stand with me and allow me to stand with her. i want to help her through her cancer just as i helped her through her torn calf muscle. because there would be times i would need her too. jess said things to her because jess knew tam was afraid of her. she has to not run away, but stand tall and tell her she is not afraid of her. we cannot be afraid of life and whatever it brings our way or we will never be able to fully enjoy it. when it comes to our life, we get one shot at life, no do overs. but with life comes experience and wisdom, so that we can have 2nd chances at events and things in our life. tam and i deserve a 2nd chance. we deserve to take all that has happened to us, both before we met and since we have been together, and work out a plan to make our marriage succeed. we only have so much time left on this planet we need to make the best use of it we can. she said she didnt think things would ever change, but by the simple fact of her doing this, we both have changed. you cannot tell me she is the same tam as the one i left because she has to be a different person just by doing what she did. i know i am. i am a much different person, but not so different that things we enjoyed, the laughing, the joking around, going on day trips. all of that is still there. i am just content. i am no longer angry with the world. anything and everything that happens each and every day i keep it in a positive light. the old me would have been upset that i had to give up some of my free time to go to work. i could have not called and not gone in, but the new me saw it as an opportunity to make brownie points, to make some extra money. i was happy to do it. some people after having their loved one do to them what tam did to me would say, why would i want someone that did that to me? i say, it was a good thing because i have learned more about all those around me. i handle my family better, i have been able to really feel like my love and committment to tam was tested and i passed i think. i will be a better father for this. i could be a better husband for this, if only she would enter into it with me. communicate with me about he needs, her wants, the boundaries she needs around her. the space she needs from me to be herself while being a part of "us". we all need to keep our individuality while giving up some of it to be part of something bigger, something greater.

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