"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" well, it is officially unofficial, the start of spring. last night was a very humid and warm night. I slept with the window open and 2 fans blowing air upon me. and the birds, oh the birds!, they start their medley of songs early now and go all morning!! but it is all good, as it signals a new season is upon me, with new experiences to be savored and enjoyed. I did not sleep very well last night though, kept waking up from dreams about work and tam. seems tam and i were going to be moving to austin for some kind of school she was wanting to attend. oh well, some dreams are just that, dreams. another item for my life list 'To have at least one article with photos published'. I am thinking of writing about my trips as if I was writing for Texas Highways or some such magazine. Practice. I am also going to check into taking some kind of classes. It may never happen, buy I am going to try. With my work schedule, if I could find a class that starts early in the morning, say 7:30, then I could attend class and make it to work by 10:00. I can only try. Today is payday. I am debating whether to eat lunch out at Souper Salads. I have a coupon, but if I spend $5 today, and then $4 on my usual saturday morning breakfast, that is $10 (rounded off, I can add!!) that I could use elsewhere. Also, I think I want to save so I can eat out on Monday and have Super Buffet chinese for lunch. I will continue to ponder this decision. What does it take for for someone to get over another person?? It has been over 5 months since tam ended our marriage, and I still hurt because of it. Knowing I have been replaced only makes it hurt more. Most of the time I don't even think about it anymore, but then there are those moments when it just hits me. I remember something we did or somewhere we went, and I FEEL her, I can feel the energy that had existed between us. I know that someday I will be able to bury these feelings, that they will come to the surface of my consciousness less and less often. I think that the woman I continue to hurt over no longer exists, she is someone that I once knew and loved. But we are always changing, evolving, shaped by our experiences in life. and whatever her experiences have been since I left, they have changed her. Since I have not seen her in 5 months, she is no longer the woman I knew. Would I want to know here now? of course I do. But I have been sent down a path that was not entirely of my choosing, and yet I am embracing that path because one can never know what kind of wonderful is just around the bend. Optimism and hope and faith keep me going forward. Life is too short to have negative thoughts about any of this. I watched part of a program last night on PBS. It was a plug for this guys book titled "The Power of Intention". but listening to him talk, he made alot of sense about the power in everything around us. As he said, a picture can have power. Think of the emotional power that comes from looking at a loved one's picture. I see Jess, and a parents love for their child overwhelms me. I see Tam, and I feel pain and agony, because I have a love for her that is no longer returned. The attitude you carry around affects the kind of power you get in return from others. I had carried so much negative energy for so long, but I have proven to myself that if you have an upbeat, positive energy, it will affect those around you in how they interract with you. Sometimes it is hard, because the way we carry and represent ourselves is habit formed, but just as a habit can be changed and overcome, so can the habit of our personality. I work hard at this and it is working. I just cannot explain in words how I feel, what has happened to me. But it is some kind of wonderful. The only drawback, but there is always a price to pay for anything, is that Tam does not get to be part of this, this "awakening".

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