"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" i finally got my "sign" to move on. tam sent me a note saying she had moved in with someone back in february. she has "fallen in love" with someone and they are very happy together. she says her mail is messed up and if i get any of it to send it to an address on jackson blvd. well, i looked that address up on mapquest and it is the address of the Emergiclinic!! what is up with that?? does not matter to me anymore. she has broken my heart and i have emerged a stronger, better person for it. what is she so afraid of that she can't even put her home address in there? i don't know. all i know is someday i hope to live somewhere else than here, but right now here is where i am and where i will be for at least a few years. i have been resisting the urge to date other women and frankly the new me has had women wanting to be around me and i have been enjoying the attention but not acting upon it. i hold my head high knowing i was true to her to the end. it sure didn't take her long to replace me. there is so much i love about tam, but if she is going to be this weak person and finds it easier to move from man to man rather than stand and fight for something, she is not for me. maybe i will be alone for the rest of my days, but at least i stand tall knowing i didn't give up, that i stood up and fought for what i wanted. i can't say the same for her. it is easy to find another companion, it is not so easy to make the relationship work. i wish her happiness in whatever she does, just don't expect me to be her friend. friends don't stab friends in the back, they don't abandon you. 20 years from now we both may look back on this and feel it was the best thing that ever happened to us, and we may not. the story is not finished. i found out that i have to be a resident of texas for 6 mos and then i can file for divorce. i also found out how to do it myself. in may, when i have been back here for 6 months, if she has not filed yet, i will get the forms and file for divorce myself. i will never stop believing we had something special and that it could have continued to be special. i choose to look back over my time with her as a good thing, a wonderful time of my life that i truly know will never be duplicated again. i may once again love someone, make love to someone, but i can only equal what i had with tam, never surpass it. if she ever comes to that conclusion herself, she only need to pick up the phone, write me a letter, or send an email. we can never predict what the future will hold for us so we should not try. never say never because you just don't know. i loved her so much but now it is time to redirect my emotional energies towards the future. i have been moving forward. i have my job and am paying on my bills, i have my apartment reserved and the deposit paid for. i have a car and am fixing it up so i am moving onward with my life, i just had held out hope. but i do pray alot and I know that whatever God has in his plans for me, things will work out. I used to try to control my life, now I just take care of what I can control over and have my faith that the Lord will carry me through the things I cannot control. I am no longer angry at the world and the people in it that had tortured me the Daniel Zinsmeisters of the world that had picked on me. I am a happy person now, everything that happens i turn into a positive thing. and it has brought me alot of peace. even this latest email from tam will be turned into a positive thing. i guess you could say the whole process of knowing tam as been a positive thing because i was angry at the world for so long and now i am not. i don't have time in my life to be angry at the world. i have, if i am fortunate to live long enough, 20-40 years left. and that will go by very quickly. so i no longer want to make the world pay for its transgressions towards me. this a new beginning in my life and i refuse to spend my life in a state of anger. i refuse to be anything but happy and at peace. i have looked at myself in the mirror and admitted so much to myself, been so true to who and what i am, and it is like a burded was lifted off of my shoulders. i have realized i cannot do it all for everyone. that i cannot please each and every person i come into contact with. so i just please myself, i do my job to the best of my ability and instead of hoping it is good enough for my bosses, i just say it will have to be good enough. i no longer am afraid of life. i embrace life, i look forward to each and every day as a new opportunity to share good, positive feelings with the world. this has been quite a journey, the past 20 years. but even though i am sad to finally let go of tam, to say goodbye once and for all, i am also happy to look forward to the next stage of my life. i am stepping through a doorway into a very bright light and i cannot see what is outside of that doorway, i just know it is going to be a wonderful adventure finding out. goodbye tam, you will always have a special place in my heart, because if not for knowing you i would not be who i am at this moment, and i really like who i am at this moment, i like the peace i have found. i hope you can find it too as you go through your life. you deserve it as much as i do. be happy, live life to its fullest and never, ever give up. if you truly love this person you are with, take care of them and be strong for them. who knows, maybe someday i will see you and we can say hi. but for now i must concentrate my energies on resolving some other lingering issues in my life and get ready to take on the challenge of getting my daughter into adulthood in one piece. forever your pauliemac.

No comments: