"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" had a really good day at work today. i am so happy, but that happiness makes me so sad. i can't explain it but i just feel so at peace with myself, who i am and my place in the world. but i have no one to share it with and that really hurts. i wish her well, just don't want to know about her anymore. i am a pie sliced into many pieces. on slice is pain, which turns to anger. another slice is peace, for how i now feel. another is joy at my good fortune, because of the job i have now. i am realy enjoying it right now. a good attitude has helped alot. fear takes up a large slice, fear of the future. will i love again? will i allow myself to love again? will i be able to get jess to adulthood without her becoming a drug addict or prostitute? will my health continue to hold out well enough for me to do the things i enjoy? why do i still hurt over what she did? i continue to try to not hurt, to somehow force myself to not feel the pain i feel, but it comes back. it is not fair that she has someone to love and all i can do is continue to hurt. if she can move on without me that easily, then she surely did not love me as she made me believe she did. you cannot love someone the way we supposedly loved each other (as i have loved her) and give up that easily, walk away without so much as an attempt to make it work. it is ok, i will be ok, but she sure should have been more sure of her feelings before she took those vows. i guess it has just gotten so easy for her to say them without putting meaning behind them. i guess it isn't my problem anymore. i have accepted that our lives are going in seperate directions. i cannot help but hurt, but i continue to work towards my future. i work on those things i can control, such as becoming involved in jess' s life, getting my finances under control, doing my job. things will get easier when i am out on my own, able to do my own thing again.

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