"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" i have started taking st. johns wort because it is supposed to give you a feeling of "relaxation" or put you in a good mood. i dont know if it is the herb or just a placebo effect of taking the herb, but i have felt such a "peace of mind" since i starting taking it. i did buy the dollar general stuff, so it just may be a cheap form of it, but hey, if it works, it works. just as i have been feeling this good mood, last night i was in the bathroom peeing, when i heard this loud crash outside the window. i knew in an instant it was a car crash, but when i looked outside, a car had hit head-on into the nissan sentra. and they were backing up and trying to drive away! i hollered at dad as i dashed outside. our neighbor (tony, the guy buying my house) also came running out and got in front of the car so it could not drive away. i shouted out 'don't you drive away!'. then i told them 'get out of the car!'. i repeated this a few times. mom called the police, and i asked if they were alright. it was a hispanic woman and her daughter (about 17 yrs old). the daughter said her mother did not have her glasses on. i inquired 'why was she not wearing her glasses?!' you know, when it comes to cars, as dad said, we can't win for trying! first the buick sits for 10 months, then mom has an accident in the kia, and now this. they should get $500-$800 for the car and sister can put that with her money and purchase another car. it is just getting through to that point. kinda funny, 7 years ago i had my house broken into and it took the police 1.5 hours to get there. last night we had 3 (3!!!)police officers in less than 10 minutes. the police filled out a report. took my statement since i had been the 1st to see anything and after about a 1/2 hour, let us go inside, as it was starting to rain. fortunately the other party had insurance. yesterday i had my glass wall installed at work. the fumes from the black caulk were too much (the installer tried to fill a 2 inch gap at the top with caulk!!) so i worked from the cashiers booth. i hope they get the a/c duct installed today. i finally got to talk to someone from the Lord's ranch yesterday. i sent a stern letter to tina about how i was disappointed that i had not heard from her in over 2 months. she sent one back saying how hurt she was. that jess had only been there 2 months, etc. hey, all i ask for is a weekly email telling me about any new information, or telling me there is no new information. i don't think that is too much to ask. she said she was being yelled at by tom, the ranch, tammi, and me. then she asked what was up with tam. she said she was getting strange letters from tam about how she no longer wanted to be tam's friend. and then she asked what was up about this "lesbian" stuff? i just told her, i was not dumping on her, just that i had not heard from her in 2 months. and as far as tam goes, i told her i don't know, i don't hear from tam. i did not go into the last email i got from tam, she needs to work out her issues with tam. Lord knows i have tried to work it out with tam, but now it is sounding like tam has some "issues" and maybe i am better off without her. i am moving forward with my life. i have my work, which i am enjoying so much, and i have a deposit on an apartment. i have even taken a printout of the apartment and drew in furniture to scale so i could see how things would fit. and for the first time in my life, i am making friends, because i don't try to "be right all the time". and feeling this way feels good, having friends feels good. i no longer try to push my viewpoint on everyone around me. maybe i needed all this to happen for me to feel as i do, although i was starting to feel this way when tam ended our marriage. she just didn't wait long enough. i was already headed this way and she just did not have patience. but oh well, maybe this is what was meant to happen. things are looking up for me. again, i would never wish cancer or any other disease or sickness on anyone, but if tam indeed does have cancer, i always knew that somewhere, someplace, something would come into her life that she would not be able to run from, that she would have to learn to turn around, stand strong, and fight. i hope she learns how to do this. i no longer have any negative (anger and hurt) feelings about tammi. i have come out of this so much stronger and happier. i miss what i had with her, and while it will never be the same with someone else, i will meet someone, someday, and it will be fun. because of being with tam, i know even more what i want out of a relationship. i want to laugh and play as i did with tam. i will always have a place in my heart for tam and i will love her, but there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and move on. now, that does not mean i am ready to go out and have a relationship, i am not ready for that. i am entering a stage where all i want to do is take care of myself and continue to get my future in order. and of course, if she ever has something to talk to me about, i am here. i just no longer dream about a life with her. i dream of things yet to come.

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