Finally!

I have a bed! A bed of my own! Except for three nights in a motel when I went to Arkansas to see jess, I have slept on a sofa sleeper for 9 months and an air mattress 6 nights. I now have a real bed of my own. Today I purchased a mattress, box springs, and a frame. Now I know they are not expensive, fancy ones, but they are mine. People, including me, take so many of the little things in life for granted. But when you lose those little things, you realize that it is the little things in life that mean the most. Like having someone to go for a walk with or spend a morning checking out garage sales. You can have all the money and fame in the world, want for nothing but if you do not have someone to share it with, you have nothing. I have a bed now, but without someone to share it with, at least from time to time, it is still empty, just like my life.

Bethany....

Came by tonight. We just had some chips and dip and went for a little walk, watched a little tv. She was hurting so bad last Monday, I just don't like seeing her hurt like that. She likes that guy so much and he just is not seeing how she feels. I wanted to tell her to think about us being boyfriend/girlfriend again, giving us a chance to grow together. The way we should have done it 6 years ago. We live close together now (I did not move here to be close to her, but it has worked out that way) so we could see each other as much or as little as we wanted to. I can't say that I want to be her husband, I no longer look for that. That does not mean I would not want to be her husband at some point. I just want to spend time with her. I need to do what is best for my daughter but that does not mean I cannot have a girlfriend either. Jess already said herself that just as she will have a boyfriend she knows her father would like a girlfriend also. Bethany and I have a history together but we are different people now than we were then, especially me as I have really grown as a person. I have a much different outlook on life now. I wanted to hold her hand, kiss her and just sit close to her, holding her. She has said before, "been there, done that" meaning her and I but as I said we are much different people now than we were then. I know her much better now, how she is and how her personality is. I so much wanted to tell her these things, but I also do not want to mess up our friendship we have developed. But when I hear her say she does not want to be alone anymore, and yet this guy she has her hopes pinned on is not taking care of her the way he should, I want to tell her we could have something pretty good here. Again, I am trying to put this in perspective, that we could learn from what we did before and not make the same mistakes we did. We had a pretty good relationship, we were great lovers together, shared alot of interests. I can't speak for her but even when something interested her and didn't me, because it was important to her I took an interest in it. But we made the mistake of moving in together too fast, of uprooting her daughter from where she had developed a comfort zone and interests, friends. I think we could do this again, but do it right. Jess needs some time living just with me so she can get back into normal life and Brandy is about to graduate high school, she does not need uprooting. If we could do it again now, this would be perfect. We live 10 minutes apart, our girls are much older now and can be left at home by themselves, so we could spend time together when and where we wanted to. In short, we could be great boyfriend/girlfriend and just let things go naturally, not push it. I have accepted Tam is in the past and not to be part of my future and I am moving on. I want a girlfriend, someone to share a conversation with, to share a movie. Cook dinner for and go for a walk with. And someone to hold close and touch/be touched by. Why not Bethany? Maybe she is afraid it would be the same all over again, but I think if we talked about it, laid down some boundaries and ground rules, we could develop something good. For 2 years after Bethany and I broke up I prayed to God to bring me somone like her and Tam came into my life. Because of that in a long winding road, I have learned so much and grown so much. Why can't my prayer be answered by Bethany coming back into my life, as more than just a buddy? Why can't the reason I met Tam was to bring me full circle back to Bethany? I don't know the answers to these questions but what I do believe is that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything. Maybe she will think the same thing and start to think about "what if" and talk to me, not to tell me this is not possible, but what she would need from me if she were to get closer to me and listen to what I need. Anything is possible if you have hope and faith (and I don't mean the tv show with Kelly Ripa!).

Time...

I am now finishing my third day in my apartment. The perception of time is such a strange thing for us as we go through our lives. I spent 12 months in Rapid City. Then 9 months living with my folks as I attempted to put my life back together, do things differently. Now, having moved to a new area, somewhere I have never lived before, the past 9 months seem like a dream. And the 12 months in Rapid City, a very distant dream. Just 3 days, and yet such a long time. I am enjoying being here, and there is so much I want to do, yet I also am feeling alot of loneliness. I just keep reminding myself that this is just for a short while as Jess will be coming home in 3 weeks. I had lunch with Bethany on Monday as she needed a friend to talk to. I don't like to see her hurting so bad, I hope she can work things out with her beau or have the strength to move on with her life. I could only tell her what I have learned. One thing is that I can be lonely and happy at the same time. I keep my focus on my daughter and son, my joy comes from them.

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Work is going pretty well, we have some new advisors coming in. I don't think I posted about the young female advisor that just walked out on us on Monday. We were shorthanded and could not find her when someone noticed a post-it note on her computer screen that simply said "I quit". Some way to let people know you are having struggles. I am sure she has her reasons, but if she was having that much trouble she could have sat down with the manager and had a discussion. I have no respect for quitters. That is not to say I have not quit at something before, I feel we all have given up at some point at something. But to just walk away with trying? Sounds familiar. There is a difference between giving your best and resigning yourself that you are not going to accomplish what you are trying to do, and just quitting. I hope she can live with herself and what she did (and I am only half talking about the advisor that quit). I digress, I have written enough about what she did and how it led me to be here. I have to say that I have been following what Dr. Phil wrote. Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right. I love it here as I have alot of what I had in Rapid City. The lake here is so much like Canyon Lake in RC. The peaceful neighborhood (although the complex is busy with cars comeing and going). My only wish is that if I cannot share it with the one I love, I find someone to love that I can share it with. Only time will tell.

I'm Back!!

Just as I had feared, Comcast came out today to install my internet connection. I recieved a call at work about 6:30 and after explaining what had happened last week, the guy told me if I could get home by 7:30, as I had told him I could make it by that time, he would be able to set me up tonight. Once he arrived, it only took him about 10 minutes to set me up and here I am! and I have a speed about 3 times as fast as the dsl I was on. So, I have faster speed and 6 months for 20 bucks, I don't see anything wrong with that deal.

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This is for Greg, yes Ricky Williams could not have picked a worse time to anounce his retirement. I think he has some kind of issue with the Dolphins and this is more about that than his not wanting to play anymore. He is not Barry Sanders and he will not be remembered with the same respect.

The Sports Network - National Football League

The Sports Network - National Football League: "Report: Dolphins' RB Williams retires Miami, FL (Sports Network) - Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams has retired from the NFL, according to a published report."

In the football world, this is BIG news.

Gone for awhile...

After tomorrow morning I will not be posting for a week or so as I am finally moving into my own place! Hooray for me! But I will not have internet access until next Friday. I was supposed to have it installed Tuesday but the guy that redid my order inadvertantly canceled it and when Comcast called back to make another offer, my tuesday slot was gone so now I have to wait until Friday. But that is ok, I choose to remain positive and be thankful I caught the msg instead of being negative because I have to wait 3 extra days. Everything is about perspective.

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I received some medical bills from my son's mother today. I knew she would be sending them again since I am returning to my son's life. Now if they would just send the court orders. They are a week overdue. I will call on Monday and find out about that.

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My new apartment is pretty cool. I mean it is just an apartment, but I like the layout and the neighborhood. I am looking forward to spending alot of time down at the small "lake" next to the complex. It reminds me alot of Canyon Lake in Rapid City. Canyon Lake was about 4 times as large, but this one is still the size of 3 or 4 football fields. With a path going all the way around it and benches all along it along with alot of wildlife including a number of ducks, there will be plenty of photographic opportunities.

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With tomorrows move to the new place, another chapter of my life is closing followed by the beginning of a different chapter. The past 9 months here at my folks home has been both an enlightening experience and a shelter for a brokenhearted man. I have learned so much, most of about myself, but also about others. It has given me the opportunity to become closer to my parents. While I had lived next door to them for 6 years before I moved to Rapid City, I was not "close" to them. As for myself, I have learned to look at myself, to take responsibility for my own actions and to find the positive in everything that happens. I have also found my spiritual strength also. And it has meant so much to me. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I look forward to it with newfound ideals and abilities. I was happy with Tam, but I have and continue to keep my promise to her to do whatever it takes to be the kind of person I want to be. I have not allowed my coming back be a reason for anger and revenge.

This is for Lady Charisse.

Yahoo! News - Partners Agree to ISS Crews of "More than Three;" Details Sketchy: "With a once-planned U.S. crew-transport vehicle now scrapped, docking a second Soyuz capsule to the station is the only existing or planned means of boosting the crew complement beyond three."

Lady Charisse had told me about a shuttle type vehicle NASA was going to build. Seems they have changed their mind on that too.

What a wonderful day!

Without going into too much detail as I have a splitting headache, everything I did today turned out extremely well. Signed the papers and paid the rent on my apartment. Went to Circuit City to take advantage of their offer on a cable modem. Ended up getting 6 months of internet for $20/month without having to purchase a modem. Bought a $25 card for my T mobile phone and found out that instead of having 90 days before having to purchase another card, I have a whole year before my minutes expire! Opened a new bank account. I had recieved an offer from a local credit union that if I opened an account with a minimum deposit of $25, they would give me $50, so I did. A small catch, you have to also open a savings account for $25 and while you don't lose the $25 in the savings account, it is not available for use. You only get it back when you close your account. And you must keep your account open for at least 6 months or they will charge the $50 back to you. But that is fine, I will use this account to put extra money in. At my work, we truly only close for 2 holidays a year, but we get paid for 3 more. Plus we get paid whatever time we work those days. I will that holiday pay in this account as savings. And it come with a Visa checkcard, so I will have access to the money anytime I need it. Was ready to leave the house this evening with Dad to go to the thrift store for some silverware for my new apartment when I got a call from Comcast. A lady was telling me about an offer, seems that the guy that redid my appointment for next Tuesday because of the new offer messed it up and actually had canceled the appointment. I explained all that had happened but she lost the opening for my Tuesday appt. So now I have an appt for next Friday although she is going to see if her supervisor can get me Tuesday back since it was not my fault that the guy messed up the order. I have a feeling that I now have 2 appts, but we shall see. Found some good stuff at the thrift store and I cannot wait until I move in. Sunday is the day, although we are going to haul some stuff saturday night. I have to get a bed this weekend so I have something to sleep on. Just a good day.

Big things!

Check out the size of this engine!

I have a home!

Yesterday, as I was waiting for a phone call from the Bedford apartments, I recieved a phone call from the Arlington apartments saying I had been approved! Not only that, but they were not going to require any additional deposit (divorces have a way of putting you in deep debt!). At first I was confused and thought it was the Bedford place so I did not immediately tell them I was upset with them and no longer wanted to live there. And that is a good thing. By not burning a bridge there I have assured myself of a place to live. I should get confirmation from the Bedford place today and if the agent was incorrect and they do turn me down, I now have a backup plan. Sometimes it pays to just shut-up. I told them I would be moving in on the 1st of the month, but if I do have to go to the Arlington apt's I will call them back and ask if I can move in this weekend. Things are looking up. Now only if I could get the paperwork from the ex's lawyer things would be just peachy.

Bad news...

Woke up this morning, made my cup of coffee and sat down at the computer to read my news like I always do, and the computer was off. I remember leaving it on last night when I went to bed, but I figured the power had gone off as I remember the folks saying something about the coffee had not made on time this morning as it usually does. Pushed the power button and nothing! Pushed and pushed but it would not turn on! Checked the connections, everything else plugged into the strip works but not the box itself. So I think my power supply has gone KAPUT! I hope that is all it is. I can replace that for under $25 but until then I have to used Mother's computer (I am on it now) and with me set to move within a week I have to do this quickly!

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Speaking of computers and moving, I saw an advertisement yesterday for a cable modem for $70. It comes with a $20 mail in rebate from the manufacturer plus a $50 mail in rebate from the store if you sign up for cable service from one of several local cable companies. I will buy it this week as I hope to have my cable internet service up and running by the time I move in next weekend.

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Speaking of moving in I have been 99.9% approved for the aparment and I should be 100% approved today. I hope so as the sooner they tell me for sure, the sooner I can get things like electricity and internet turned on. Things are surely falling into place right now and I attribute it all to my growing faith. Got to go now, but will update as to the apartment and computer situations tonight.

Tragedy on the highway this past weekend. A tractor-trailer followed by a pickup were stopped as the highway, due to construction, narrowed from two lanes to one. A second tractor-trailer did not see that the vehicles were stopped and, without slowing down, slammed into the truck, instantly killing the three men in the pickup. A grandfather, his son and grandson were in the truck (I was told this, have not confirmed it). I post this tragedy, not because of morbid fascination, but rather because it causes me to wonder why some are taken by God before others are. I have my faith that it is what is meant to be, and I certainly am not ready to leave this earth, I have unfinished business. But it is another example of how we never know when it is our time. Is the butterfly effect in play here? Possibly. Possibly something one of the people involved in this happening did something long ago that led to this moment. Maybe God sent out the "boat" (see previous posts on the old man on the roof during a storn) and because one of the people here did not "get on" the boat, this is what happened. We will never know these answers, only God does, but we wonder.... 

More treasures...

Just after I had uploaded my last post, my aunt called and invited us to have lunch with them. So off we went again. I had intended to stay home all day and work on my slideshow for C so she could see my work and let me shoot her wedding. Well, so much for that. After finishing lunch we all chatted for a coupld of hours. I told them about our trip to the thrift store and the table I had purchased. My aunt asked where it was and it so happens it was just around the corner from where we were eating lunch! So off we went to the store. I found a set of four of these cute plates and I just had to get them. I think they will add a nice bit of color to my new table. Next is a tablecloth with some matching color and my kitchen will be done. I may hang 2 fo these on the wall and use 2 for serving on. Since it will only be me and Jess. But maybe not. I am going to purchase a bakers rack from target and stack the plates sideways on it. All in all it has been a very good weekend.

Yesterday I went to a thrift store with Dad and found this great desk chair for $13. What I liked about it was that it not only was large for my big body, but it also rocks back making it very comfortable for me. Today, after eating breakfast with Mom and Dad, we went up to see where my new apartment is at. On the way home we stopped at another thrift store and there was this great double drop leaf table for only $20. After seeing how well it was built I just couldn't pass it up. I only have the one side down for demonstration purposes but both sides drop down. I love it. This has truly been a great weekend. On a side note, I discovered that my apartment is going to be right across the parking lot from S's. I hope she does not mind me being her neighbor in addition to be co-workers and friends! 

Here are a couple more of my flowers. 

#2 

Compare these two and I think you will see for yourself just how good this program is! 

here is the original version. 

I just downloaded the Picasa program from blogger (google just bought the company, I guess they got a really good response to bloggers using the "Hello" program. I am a user of it and love it.) and here is a picture I "enhanced" with Picasa. it came out really good. maybe I don't need Photoshop afterall?| 

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is my 2nd saturday off since I went to work at DDN. But I really count it as my first because my "real" first was when I went to see jess back in May. That day I still had to get up early to leave town. Tomorrow, I don't have to get up early. Well, at least not 6 am early. I am looking foward to a Saturday off. But really, it isn't much different than any other day. The only thing I was really missing, and it was a big thing, was alot of events take place only on Saturday. I haven't felt much like doing things this year, but I think with more time this will pass. Maybe not.

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On a different note, I don't think I much like bloggers new way of posting. I tried using the "compose" feature and it kept locking up my mozilla browser (which is the one they recomended!). I am an absolute believer in mozilla, I use it exclusively. But why did they have to fix something that wasn't broke? I know it is free and I should not complain, but the google guys are the ones wanting us to use it. I guess they will get it worked out, they are pretty smart dudes.

Today's Events....

Today went by so fast I thought it never happened! S's first day back from vacation so we chatted awhile. Then I called the apartments I had planned to move into, the ones I had submitted an application to back in March. I had called them last Saturday. No return call. Called them yesterday. No return call. Called them yesterday evening. Had a good chat with a woman there. No call back this morning as she had promised. I called them and told them it seems they did not want me to live there. The lady finally told me that her manager had my folder on her desk and would call me this afternoon. No call back this afternoon. But that is ok as I think I have found another place to live. S was telling me about her complex and the prices there. She had a floorplan faxed to me and I called them back and got the prices. They were higher than what she was paying but within my budget. And the are running several specials. The rent is lower and if you sign a 13 month lease, you get the first month free. I called back and asked them if I was to move in tomorrow, I would only pay a prorate for the rest of this month, and then get August free? she said yes except they don't have one available for move in tomorrow. But they may soon. I am going over there tomorrow to look at them. The apartment I am wanting to get is about the same size as the one I was going to move into and it also comes with a washer and dryer. It does not have as much close space but it makes up for that by having a small dining area (which I will use as a studio for photographing jewelry). We shall see, but I think it will work out pretty good.

Check this out!

A New Game...

I have started a new "game". I go to a blog I follow and randomly click on a link to another blog. upon reaching that one i read to find out what that person is all about. If I like it, I bookmark it and then randomly pick another one. I am sure alot of people do this, but it is fascinating! It is like walking down a path and meeting new people along the way. And by keeping it random, I never walk the same path twice. I can spend way too much time doing this, but what else do I have to do?

Hey there!

As busy as my week has been, it has been very enjoyable also. The downer is Jess has to wait 8 more days before I can pick her up because they were not smart enough to schedule her release at the same time as her final hearing. But she is coming home, and she took the news very well. We had a good counseling meeting Tuesday. I have narrowed down the things I feel are important to pray for. I pray for wisdom, knowledge, strength, and patience. This is how I see it. I pray for the wisdom to have the strength to be patient enough to gather the correct knowledge to make good decisions and reactions to whatever comes my way. I have stated before how farmers would pray for rain for their crops. In truth, what they needed to pray for was the strength to perservere if the rain does not come. God does not answer a prayer for rain. He gives the farmer the strength, wisdom, knowledge, and patience to be ready for when it does rain! The rain will come sooner or later, but the farmer that slacks off, does not get the soil tilled in time, does not keep the equipment ready is the farmer that will go hungry during the winter. Having said all this, I have had such a feeling of peace this week. I know that whatever comes my way from now on, I can deal with and survive. Not only because I have survived up to this point, but because I have accepted Jesus Christ in my heart, knowing I am imperfect and yet He still loves me. I no longer worry so much about what might happen because I have know way of know what will happen. I do know that I can handle and deal with whatever may happen. I will be patient, gain knowledge, use my wisdom, and be strong to make good, sound decisions. Some people take longer than others to learn these things, and yet some never learn these things so I feel anytime is a good time.

My Idea for Nasa...

I am sure you folks at nasa get alot of crackpot emails with ideas. here is another. if you are going to house shuttle crew members at the space station in case of a problem with the shuttle, how come a rescue as follows can't be built. an apollo/soyuz type capsule, large enough to carry whatever the maximum amount of personal (including station occupents) back to the earth. What I would propose is an unmanned ship is built, and kept ready to roll out in case of an emergency. so that it could be fueled and ready to go in however many days it takes to make something like that ready to fly. launch it unmanned, like a progress ship is, and have it dock with the station. that way it is large enough to carry all personal without risking more lives in the launch. it is a one time use rescue vehicle that only carries what is needed to launch, dock, and return to earth. anything is going to cost alot of money, and while I in no way pretend to be a scientist or rocket jockey, I am a taxpayer that feels strongly about space exploration. Saying that, I also want the money and risk of lives to be done in the best possible manner. This is my idea. I know it could be done. I want to know why it won't be done. What are the drawbacks to it.

I sent this email to Nasa today. While I don't expect to get an answer back, I do wonder why this wouldn't be done. I know it can and of course since it is my idea, I think is should. But I am sure NASA has many reasons it is not feasible.

Not much...

going on. Yesterday was a very productive day at work. I am, for the moment, caught up on all of my work. Today, I took it upon myself to purchase a table for my little office. K said do this and they will just reimburse me from petty cash because D will never have enough time to get over to Office Depot. I most likely will be moving to a new, larger office over at the L/M store, which will really suit me fine. It will be quiet and much colder over there. I have been thinking alot about some things I learned from the Left Behind books and movies. I also was discussing this with a guy at work last week and I feel it is the truth. It is not by deeds done by me that I will be rewarded, rather it will only be by accepting that I am a sinner and that I have to accept Jesus Christ in my heart. I have been writing for a long time now about what I have been doing to improve myself so as to keep a promise I made to Tam. And that is all well and good, but as long as I feel good when someone says "what a good job you are doing" I will not be accomplishing anything. It does not matter what I do or what kind of person I become, if I do it for "pats on the back" then that is my payoff. Rather I need to do it and if God is the only one that knows, that is fine. It is not good deeds done in this life that will get me to eternal life with Him, it is accepting I am not perfect and not looking for payoffs from others. I guess what I am saying is all the things I learned from Dr. Phil's book (and I believe God steered me to that book because it was exactly what I needed at this time of my life) I needed to do, but not for Tam, for me. Take care of myself and my needs and whatever comes my way will be because God wants it to. He gives us what we need, we just have to recognize it when it is sent by him and make good decisions. And if she is to be a part of my life again, I will be prepared for it. And if she is not to be a part of my life, then my faith in the Lord tells me that he has something else planned for me. I realized I did many things that made me look like a "good person" because I did get payoffs from it. People would tell Tam how lucky she was to have me (and I thought that too!) and then after she did what she did, those same actions would get me pity from others. How could she do that? He is such a good, committed husband, father. Well, now I know that putting out that kind of "front" was my way of getting compliments and in turn feeling good. But that is the wrong way. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with doing the right thing and being a good person. But it is wrong when you do it, not from the heart, but from the mind as a way of getting a pat on the back. Others may not be able to tell the difference, but that is where God enters the equation. You cannot lie to Him, you cannot keep the truth from him. Now having admitted all this, I did do things for Tam because they were from the heart. I cooked and cleaned, washed laundry, carried the groceries, moved the heavy furniture, shopped for groceries, tried to set an example for her daughter, made sweet love, rubbed her torn calf, and many other things because I love her. For no other reason. I did get a good feeling when her co-worker would ask "what's for dinner" alluding to the fact that I had dinner ready for Tam and she had to go home after a 12 hr day and cook for the kids. But once I left South Dakota, I wanted the world to feel sorry for me. "See what I did for her?, See what I am doing for her?" that is what I wanted, someone to feel sorry for me. In this journey I have now figured out that is wrong. As Dr. Phil said, If what I am doing is not working, I have to change. But don't change just so I can say to her or anyone else, "See, I told you I could do this". Change it for me, for my personal happiness. And if by chance she does want to talk, and she does see the personal growth then fine. Don't do it so I can hold my head high and be proud that I did my part. That is a short term ego payoff. Do it because it is what will get me into heaven. If I do it in an effort to win her back, that is wrong. Just do it. I don't know if this makes sense but I guess what I am saying is, do it for the right reason (God) and all the rest will take care of itself. Stay humble. Don't beat my chest about what I have done. I miss her so much. I can't explain it. No person has the answers. That is what God is for, to lay out our life. We just follow the path laid out before us. How could I ask God to give her strength to face people in her life if I could not do the same? So I am now going to see my son, no matter the hardships involved. I did not do this so I could beat my chest and say to her "See, if I can do this you can too". I did it because it was the right thing to do. And if somehow she someday is able to draw strength from what I do, then I think that is the payoff. I always tried to be that way with her, give her strength and support. But it did not show through very well as I did not know how to show it. Now I know, not with words proclaiming my deeds, but just by doing the deeds and NOT speaking of them. I say them here, but that is because this is my place for my thoughts. If my thoughts cause someone else to think about their life, then so much the better, but I am not asking for "pats on the back". I love her, I miss her, but I know that God will deal with her in his own way and in his own time. All I can do is take care of myself and leave the rest to Him.

My first time....

Tonight, for the first time, I saw the famous Apple Computer "1984" commercial. I was in marine corps boot camp when it aired for the first and only time. I guess I should have known it would be available on the net somewheres, I just never thought to look for it. But tonight I was reading about the history of Apple Computer and I found it. I guess back then it was a major deal, what with the cold war and all. Now it seems kinda lame. But then again, who really knew what a computer was until then?

Faith...

Yahoo! News - B.C.

this is the kind of faith I am trying to develop!

Yahoo! News - McDonald's Sued Over Fat in Cooking Oil

Yahoo! News - McDonald's Sued Over Fat in Cooking Oil: "In the suit, Fettke claims that she would not have bought McDonald's Filet-O-Fish and French fries for herself and Happy Meals, Chicken McNuggets and crispy chicken sandwiches for her children several times last year had she known the oil switch had not taken place."

Since when was a company responsible for our choices? This is another example of people blaming others instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. How can I teach my daughter about being responsible and accepting consequences for her actions when there are examples of blaming others all around her?

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By the way, I have wonderful news. Jess is coming home August 10th. I can't wait!!

Pretty good day today. Very busy, worked hard. Came home and rested awhile, then hit the warranty claims again. Put on the headphones and listened to some soft music. Only problem is these songs hurt. Art of Noise and Bonnie Raitt. Bonnie sings what I feel, "Can't make you love me". And the "Art of Noise" because I know how Tam would love that song. I go on and on, but I feel what I feel. Had another dream last night. Was traveling in a car with the folks. I was sitting in back and another person was riding with us. I don't know who this person was, but as we passed through a small town in west texas (where Tam is from) we drove by a a house that this person pointed out was where Tam lived now. I didn't see her there but in the dream I could picture her there. It hurt. In the dream, after that had happened I just wanted to get divorced and metaphorically get as far from her as I could. That isn't what I want of course, but it was a dream after all.

Not much really to write about tonight. Today was S's last day before going on vacation. She will return a week from friday. She is the one replacing me. So my work is cut out for me for the next week. I talked with K today and she is going to focus on old claims (I am taking over for K) while I work on new claims, keeping them from becoming old ones. So I am bringing home each days invoices, looking them over and making any changes needed before submitting them. Of course, tonight I didn't do that, but that is because the parents returned from visiting my daughter and I spent some time chatting with them. Also dashed down to the library to pick up book 8, "The Mark" in the Left Behind series. But I will look them over in the morning. Should not take very long.

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I chastised Kevin, from tj's place because he was complaining about having to buy stuff from other people who are selling stuff for the kids. You know, fundraisers. Told him to just buy the stuff, he someday he will have a kid that will be selling stuff. He responded that he does buy the stuff. But even cooler (remember, Kev is the "cool" dude of bloggers, like the "cool" dude from school! haha) he posted a quick note on MY blog. Pretty good day indeed.

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Mr. Texas of the moment, Lance Armstrong, has the rest of the Tour de France field right where he wants them. Only thing wrong is his divorce a year or two ago made him seem more human, the pedistal got just a little lower. But he is still a hero in my book.

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The more I watch "Seinfeld" the more I think it is about the best sitcom every produced. This is coming from someone who loves "All in the Family" and "M.A.S.H.", some of the all time classics. I want their lives. My life is filled with so much deep seriousness and drama. They just never really worry about things, always find someone to date and really just lead shallow lives. I have been coming up with deep thoughts since I was a kid and I am just tired. I just want to have shallow thoughts and a shallow life for awhile. But alas, that is not my path in life so it really is just a dream. Maybe when I turn 90 and retire (because that will be the age of retirement by the time I get there!).

How does 8 million people afford to live in New York?....

The Hunt: The Sellers Said Yes, but the Co-op Boards . . .: "$325,000 to $310,000. Mrs. Kessler offered $305,000,"....Their new place, at 650 square feet, feels like a palace.... I can get a one bedroom for $400/month! I think my dream of living in New York for a year will forever be just that...a dream!

For anyone who wonders...

If what I say is just a bunch of talk, I have this to say. Sherry, our Parts Director whom I have know for several years, pulled me aside last Friday. She wanted to know what happened at the hearing on Thursday. We got to talking and she told me she has noticed a big difference in me. In how I react to things, how I conduct myself and in my attitude. It made me feel good that what I have been trying to accomplish is being noticed. That I am succeeding.

The Butterfly Effect....is in effect once again...

I have written before about my belief in the "Butterfly Effect". This is the chaos theory that states that a butterfly flapping its wings on one side of the planet can cause a hurricane on the other side. Six years ago I made a choice about being in my son's life, or rather not being in his life due to the difficulty of dealing with his mother. But because I met and fell in love with Tam, I now will be re-entering his life. Strange how we just don't know how doing one thing will lead us to another. Also, we don't know what event, or action will lead to some other event or action. I had long made my decision, and made my peace with that decision, concerning Ryan when I met Tam. We moved to South Dakota to create a completely new life. A life that would allow us to put everything that had happened to us in the past. I cannot say whether I would have pursued re-entering his life if I had not met Tam, all I can say is I am re-entering because I DID meet her. What hurts so much is I love her all the more for it. I do not sit here and think how glad I am she ended our marriage so that I could be a part of his life. I sit here and hurt so bad because I want her to share in my triumphs and successess.

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I have been watching the first two movies in the Left Behind series. I am about to start reading book 8 in the series. I have been praying for many things, of course one of them being Tam, both for her health and for her place in my life. But I have realized there is only one thing to pray for. Strength. Strength to be able to handle, deal with, scrutinize, comprehend, and accept whatever comes my way. I spoke some months back that it is not what happens to you, it is how you react to what happens. And that is so much more clear now than ever before. I could have reacted very negatively about what happened in court last week, but I have instead focused on what did happen. The only important thing that happened is that I will get to re-enter Ryan's life. Whatever else happens I will deal with. How I wish Tam could be a part of this process of self-discovery. Knowing her as I did, if she knew what I have learned, she would be proud of me. This could have been a wonderful experience for both of us as we both were carrying alot of emotional baggage from our past lives. Maybe, just maybe, I am supposed to go first so that I can be ready if she ever chooses to make the journey also. God works in ways we do not understand but I feel it is my duty and job to learn all I can so as to be ready in case He needs me to help another, including Tam. One of the things I read and believe from Dr. Phil's book is to ask yourself what you will do if something happens to you. Ask yourself the questions how you will react if you lose your job, have an accident, etc. Then you will know what to do instead of being lost if something does happen to you. I do these things. What if she shows up on my doorstep? What if divorce papers arrive? What if she wants me to return to RC? What if she dies? Of course these are not the only questions I ask, but in the coming weeks I am going explore different things that might happen and how I think I will handle them if they do come about. And not all of them will be about Tam, rather I will explore all facets of my life.

This past Saturday we had a scare at work. A woman who was waiting for her car to be serviced went into a seizure. She is a diabetic. As our cashier and another woman were attempting to help her the emergency personal arrived. I felt I had the strength to help her if needbe because of knowing Tam (who is diabetic and like this woman takes insulin shots). Fortunately they arrived within minutes of calling it in, but I took what knowledge Tam had taught me and was ready if needed.  

Day's Events....

What a beautiful day! The weather, while hot, was perfect. Started the day purchasing a 100pk of cd-r's from circuit city. They have the right idea when it comes to internet buying. Saw the ad in the flier that came in the paper. Decided it was a good deal (reg. $29.99, on sale for $9.99). Could not find the time that the store opened but decided if I could purchase online. Circuit City has it set up so you can purchase online and pick-up at the store. And the discs were available for pick up, actually that was the only way to get them! Works for me. Went Circuit City, the didn't open until 11 am, so I went to Fry's. Found a book for Photoshop 7 for only $15 (most of them were $30-$50) and bought an adapter and extension cable for my keyboard. The cable and adapter didn't work after I got home, this keyboard is frustating me. It is a USB board, but it does not work in my 2.0 slots. The adapter was to hook it up into the PS/2 spot, but that did not work. I think I will just purchase another keyboard, the old PS/2 style. sometimes old technology is the best technology. Went back to Circuit City, picked up my discs and proceded to Office Depot to check on the price/availability of a 24" x 48" folding table. They had one, a wooden topped table for $29. Dashed over to Wal-mart to check their prices but theirs was a flimsy plastic one for a dollar less. Back to Office Depot, picked up the table and then off to the grocery store for some more chicken wings and some pork for kabobs. Got home, put everything away and set up my table. I had brought home a ton of paperwork from work and the table worked out wonderful. Worked on invoices, grilled chicken wings and pork kabobs with onion, tomatoes, and green bell pepper. As usual, came out wonderful! Then I spent the remainder of the evening watching Independence Day and working invoices. Finished just a bit ago and now I here, telling my day, alone, missing my wife, to whoever out there might wander across this. Hope all had a great 4th and we will see what tomorrow brings.

The beginning of....

the anniversarys. Things that Tam and I had done together last year. Tomorrow is one such event. One year ago tomorrow we braved 105 degree heat and huge crowds to attend the fourth of july celebration at Mt. Rushmore (the mountain with the faces of the presidents for those that are not up on our National Monuments). Because of her pulled calf, I did all the carrying of gear from the car to the amphitheater. It was after about the 4th or 5th trip that I was really wearing out. She said something and I snapped at her just a bit. Nothing worth arguing about, but it was the first time I had ever snapped at her. I guess it was the beginning of the end. I am here to once again apologize to her. I hurt to this day for that. We never did have an argument, before or after that. I hope she makes it out to the mountain for the celebration, although we had talked that we would not do it again the next year (which is now this year! confused? me too!). What I wouldn't give to be there now at that mountain with her, in the blazing sun. We saw people that had portable umbrellas that attached to their chairs, and we knew we had to get that for ourselves. Now I only have memories of what, except for that brief moment in the height of the heat and my exhaustion, was another wonderful highlight of my life. It was not what I was doing, it was who I was with. I know I sound like some heartbroken wimp that should get over it, but for anyone that reads this, if you have been or are truly with the one you want to spend the remainder of your days with, then you will understand just how much this hurts. Next year will be easier, but for now these are all firsts for me without her. I will get over it, but not just yet, less than a year is too short of a time for me to be past it.

Why Union's hold the economy back...

DallasNews.com: "The union remains wary of continuous improvement, said Randy McDonald, president of Transport Workers Union Local 514."

Only the beginning...

Well, went to court today. Almost didn't get to though. I found the court I was supposed to appear in. Even arrived 30 minutes early. Turns out I was in the right court, the WRONG courtroom! But I found out in time and was directed to the correct room. Talked with the judge. Of course she (through her lawyer) brought up old stuff. They asked for $3000 in attorney fees. Most everything went as I had thought it would. The judge appointed a counselor for us, at my expense and held off on the attorney fees. I am sure I will have to pay them. And I don't know why but I have a gut feeling she will also petition the court for more child support money. Just a guess, but again I just had that foreboding feeling that is on horizon also. I will probably be stuck here with the folks for years. I am taking that attitude that if it puts me in my son's life and I can somehow over time convince her that I am in co-operation with her instead of against her, then it is all a worthwhile thing. I hope she comes to realize that having her son's father in his life is a GOOD thing. I have always felt she does not believe that, but I will try anyways. At least I can look him in the eye someday and say I tried. I think I have sworn off on women. Not that all women are bad, they are not, but for me, I just seem to pick ones that are not right for me in one way or another. Tina, well that was my fault all the way. We were too young. But she gave me my daughter and I will never regret that. Dawn, she and I just moved way too fast and did not get to know each other. But again, she gave me my son and as the rest of my life unfolds I know this will be a move for the best. Tammi, that is one I cannot figure out. We were/are so perfect for each other. I will believe that till the day I die. She just had some issues of her own and felt she needed to be without me rather than with me. The problem with this last one is, I am not interested in finding another woman. I told Tam I didn't want second best, she is the best. I go on about this, but I just cannot imagine being happier with someone else than I was with her. And as long as I think that, I cannot be with another. Everytime I do something I will wish it was with her. It just wouldn't be the same thing with someone else. I would enjoy myself, but at the end of the day I would ask the same question. Why couldn't it be with Tam? I wish she would have been at the hearing today. I felt so alone. Can't afford a lawyer. No loved one supporting me. It is said it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but that is BS. When that person is still out there and you can picture them laughing, playing and you know it used to be with you and now it is no longer it hurts. I don't ache for the touch of a woman, I ache for the touch of one woman. I fear that as my life winds down it is going to be filled only with regrets. In the past I wanted to be buried when I die. But with so much that has happened and without knowing if I will be with someone when that moment comes I have chosen to be cremated and I want my daughter to spread my ashes somewheres where her and I used to hike and camp. somewhere here in Texas and if I have my wish, just a bit of those ashes spread in the Black Hills in South Dakota. That is the two places where I have had my most joy. With the two people that have brought me the most happiness in my life.