Only the beginning...

Well, went to court today. Almost didn't get to though. I found the court I was supposed to appear in. Even arrived 30 minutes early. Turns out I was in the right court, the WRONG courtroom! But I found out in time and was directed to the correct room. Talked with the judge. Of course she (through her lawyer) brought up old stuff. They asked for $3000 in attorney fees. Most everything went as I had thought it would. The judge appointed a counselor for us, at my expense and held off on the attorney fees. I am sure I will have to pay them. And I don't know why but I have a gut feeling she will also petition the court for more child support money. Just a guess, but again I just had that foreboding feeling that is on horizon also. I will probably be stuck here with the folks for years. I am taking that attitude that if it puts me in my son's life and I can somehow over time convince her that I am in co-operation with her instead of against her, then it is all a worthwhile thing. I hope she comes to realize that having her son's father in his life is a GOOD thing. I have always felt she does not believe that, but I will try anyways. At least I can look him in the eye someday and say I tried. I think I have sworn off on women. Not that all women are bad, they are not, but for me, I just seem to pick ones that are not right for me in one way or another. Tina, well that was my fault all the way. We were too young. But she gave me my daughter and I will never regret that. Dawn, she and I just moved way too fast and did not get to know each other. But again, she gave me my son and as the rest of my life unfolds I know this will be a move for the best. Tammi, that is one I cannot figure out. We were/are so perfect for each other. I will believe that till the day I die. She just had some issues of her own and felt she needed to be without me rather than with me. The problem with this last one is, I am not interested in finding another woman. I told Tam I didn't want second best, she is the best. I go on about this, but I just cannot imagine being happier with someone else than I was with her. And as long as I think that, I cannot be with another. Everytime I do something I will wish it was with her. It just wouldn't be the same thing with someone else. I would enjoy myself, but at the end of the day I would ask the same question. Why couldn't it be with Tam? I wish she would have been at the hearing today. I felt so alone. Can't afford a lawyer. No loved one supporting me. It is said it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but that is BS. When that person is still out there and you can picture them laughing, playing and you know it used to be with you and now it is no longer it hurts. I don't ache for the touch of a woman, I ache for the touch of one woman. I fear that as my life winds down it is going to be filled only with regrets. In the past I wanted to be buried when I die. But with so much that has happened and without knowing if I will be with someone when that moment comes I have chosen to be cremated and I want my daughter to spread my ashes somewheres where her and I used to hike and camp. somewhere here in Texas and if I have my wish, just a bit of those ashes spread in the Black Hills in South Dakota. That is the two places where I have had my most joy. With the two people that have brought me the most happiness in my life.

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