I have written before about my belief in the "Butterfly Effect". This is the chaos theory that states that a butterfly flapping its wings on one side of the planet can cause a hurricane on the other side. Six years ago I made a choice about being in my son's life, or rather not being in his life due to the difficulty of dealing with his mother. But because I met and fell in love with Tam, I now will be re-entering his life. Strange how we just don't know how doing one thing will lead us to another. Also, we don't know what event, or action will lead to some other event or action. I had long made my decision, and made my peace with that decision, concerning Ryan when I met Tam. We moved to South Dakota to create a completely new life. A life that would allow us to put everything that had happened to us in the past. I cannot say whether I would have pursued re-entering his life if I had not met Tam, all I can say is I am re-entering because I DID meet her. What hurts so much is I love her all the more for it. I do not sit here and think how glad I am she ended our marriage so that I could be a part of his life. I sit here and hurt so bad because I want her to share in my triumphs and successess.
I have been watching the first two movies in the Left Behind series. I am about to start reading book 8 in the series. I have been praying for many things, of course one of them being Tam, both for her health and for her place in my life. But I have realized there is only one thing to pray for. Strength. Strength to be able to handle, deal with, scrutinize, comprehend, and accept whatever comes my way. I spoke some months back that it is not what happens to you, it is how you react to what happens. And that is so much more clear now than ever before. I could have reacted very negatively about what happened in court last week, but I have instead focused on what did happen. The only important thing that happened is that I will get to re-enter Ryan's life. Whatever else happens I will deal with. How I wish Tam could be a part of this process of self-discovery. Knowing her as I did, if she knew what I have learned, she would be proud of me. This could have been a wonderful experience for both of us as we both were carrying alot of emotional baggage from our past lives. Maybe, just maybe, I am supposed to go first so that I can be ready if she ever chooses to make the journey also. God works in ways we do not understand but I feel it is my duty and job to learn all I can so as to be ready in case He needs me to help another, including Tam. One of the things I read and believe from Dr. Phil's book is to ask yourself what you will do if something happens to you. Ask yourself the questions how you will react if you lose your job, have an accident, etc. Then you will know what to do instead of being lost if something does happen to you. I do these things. What if she shows up on my doorstep? What if divorce papers arrive? What if she wants me to return to RC? What if she dies? Of course these are not the only questions I ask, but in the coming weeks I am going explore different things that might happen and how I think I will handle them if they do come about. And not all of them will be about Tam, rather I will explore all facets of my life.