Not much...

going on. Yesterday was a very productive day at work. I am, for the moment, caught up on all of my work. Today, I took it upon myself to purchase a table for my little office. K said do this and they will just reimburse me from petty cash because D will never have enough time to get over to Office Depot. I most likely will be moving to a new, larger office over at the L/M store, which will really suit me fine. It will be quiet and much colder over there. I have been thinking alot about some things I learned from the Left Behind books and movies. I also was discussing this with a guy at work last week and I feel it is the truth. It is not by deeds done by me that I will be rewarded, rather it will only be by accepting that I am a sinner and that I have to accept Jesus Christ in my heart. I have been writing for a long time now about what I have been doing to improve myself so as to keep a promise I made to Tam. And that is all well and good, but as long as I feel good when someone says "what a good job you are doing" I will not be accomplishing anything. It does not matter what I do or what kind of person I become, if I do it for "pats on the back" then that is my payoff. Rather I need to do it and if God is the only one that knows, that is fine. It is not good deeds done in this life that will get me to eternal life with Him, it is accepting I am not perfect and not looking for payoffs from others. I guess what I am saying is all the things I learned from Dr. Phil's book (and I believe God steered me to that book because it was exactly what I needed at this time of my life) I needed to do, but not for Tam, for me. Take care of myself and my needs and whatever comes my way will be because God wants it to. He gives us what we need, we just have to recognize it when it is sent by him and make good decisions. And if she is to be a part of my life again, I will be prepared for it. And if she is not to be a part of my life, then my faith in the Lord tells me that he has something else planned for me. I realized I did many things that made me look like a "good person" because I did get payoffs from it. People would tell Tam how lucky she was to have me (and I thought that too!) and then after she did what she did, those same actions would get me pity from others. How could she do that? He is such a good, committed husband, father. Well, now I know that putting out that kind of "front" was my way of getting compliments and in turn feeling good. But that is the wrong way. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with doing the right thing and being a good person. But it is wrong when you do it, not from the heart, but from the mind as a way of getting a pat on the back. Others may not be able to tell the difference, but that is where God enters the equation. You cannot lie to Him, you cannot keep the truth from him. Now having admitted all this, I did do things for Tam because they were from the heart. I cooked and cleaned, washed laundry, carried the groceries, moved the heavy furniture, shopped for groceries, tried to set an example for her daughter, made sweet love, rubbed her torn calf, and many other things because I love her. For no other reason. I did get a good feeling when her co-worker would ask "what's for dinner" alluding to the fact that I had dinner ready for Tam and she had to go home after a 12 hr day and cook for the kids. But once I left South Dakota, I wanted the world to feel sorry for me. "See what I did for her?, See what I am doing for her?" that is what I wanted, someone to feel sorry for me. In this journey I have now figured out that is wrong. As Dr. Phil said, If what I am doing is not working, I have to change. But don't change just so I can say to her or anyone else, "See, I told you I could do this". Change it for me, for my personal happiness. And if by chance she does want to talk, and she does see the personal growth then fine. Don't do it so I can hold my head high and be proud that I did my part. That is a short term ego payoff. Do it because it is what will get me into heaven. If I do it in an effort to win her back, that is wrong. Just do it. I don't know if this makes sense but I guess what I am saying is, do it for the right reason (God) and all the rest will take care of itself. Stay humble. Don't beat my chest about what I have done. I miss her so much. I can't explain it. No person has the answers. That is what God is for, to lay out our life. We just follow the path laid out before us. How could I ask God to give her strength to face people in her life if I could not do the same? So I am now going to see my son, no matter the hardships involved. I did not do this so I could beat my chest and say to her "See, if I can do this you can too". I did it because it was the right thing to do. And if somehow she someday is able to draw strength from what I do, then I think that is the payoff. I always tried to be that way with her, give her strength and support. But it did not show through very well as I did not know how to show it. Now I know, not with words proclaiming my deeds, but just by doing the deeds and NOT speaking of them. I say them here, but that is because this is my place for my thoughts. If my thoughts cause someone else to think about their life, then so much the better, but I am not asking for "pats on the back". I love her, I miss her, but I know that God will deal with her in his own way and in his own time. All I can do is take care of myself and leave the rest to Him.

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