9 weeks...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Well, it was 9 weeks yesterday that Tammi told me she no longer wanted to be married to me. 9 weeks since she decided not to have faith in me. This was not about love, she told me "I guess I don't love you enough". Well, I guess she didn't since she lacked enough faith in me to believe WE could grow in our relationship. That was the last thing she should have done, is tell me I could NOT do something. She was right, she was being just like Dawn. And just like with Dawn, I proved Tammi wrong too. I have never said I know all the answers. I just know I can find the answers. When Dawn doubted me, I searched out who I was and learned that I had to communicate to solve issues. Now, because of Tammi's actions, I have not only relearned that, but that communication is just part of the equation. Not only must you communicate (which I felt I was doing, by expressing my feelings on issues) but you must also negotiate a compromise to the situations. That is what we did not do. I communicated how I was feeling, Tam I believe, did not. But to take it a step further, because we did not communicate with each other, there was no way to negotiate a compromise that would have met both of our needs. 9 weeks, it now seems like a lifetime. What were memories where I could still feel her touch, now it seems more like remembering a movie I had watched, rather than something I actually experienced. I still have my moments, but they are becoming farther and farther apart, and I feel them for less and less amounts of time. There is much heartache and pain out there in this world, and I feel I have experienced as much of it as I want to. I am keeping a positive attitude, it would be easy to feel like all that has happened to me is a punishment. I choose to believe that all this is happening for a good reason. That it is to prepare me for something even better. I still want to work out my marriage, I want the opportunity to take what I feel I have learned and apply it to my marriage. But that choice is not mine. I don't know if I too am just a distant memory for Tammi, or if she does miss me, miss my touch, my love. Only time for her will give the answer to that. It has been a month or so since my last contact with her, and because she has not contacted me, I go forth with the belief that this is what she wants, that what we had, in her words, no longer interests her. If I ever have the chance to work things out with her, the only promise I could make, the same I made to her before, is to do my best. I have learned, I promised her I would, but again, at a great personal cost. She is the love of my life, I am quite sure that wherever I go, whoever I meet, it will never be quite as good as it was with her. Collette, Dawn, Bethany, all women I have had feelings for over the years, but the joy, the love I had and felt was never near as strong or deep as what I gave and received with Tammi. I don't know if it is true, that we only have one true love in our lifetimes, but I feel it will never be anything near as what I had with Tammi. For one thing, I don't think I can ever give my heart quite like I did to her. Maybe it is just what I am feeling right now, but the way we played, the way we shared our lives, I just don't know. All I do know is that I loved the things we did, the picnics, the garage sales, going to the lake or the mountains, and that is something I will keep with me forever. And that means Tammi will forever be a part of me, of who and what I am. I promised her I would be a better person for knowing her and for her doing this to me. I am keeping that promise on a daily basis. CNC. That is my life motto now. It is how I approach my daily life, with fellow employees, customers, friends, and of course a companion, if I am fortunate to find another one. I don't know if she ever reads what I post here, but maybe someday she will, and no matter where we are in our lives, she will think back to our time together and realize just how deep my feelings for her are. And they will always be there. I am not angry anymore, just saddened, that I was lumped in there with the Altons and Martys of the world, instead of being looked at as the person I am. Someone that cares enough about those he loves that he is not afraid to look at himself, to ask himself, what can I do to grow, to handle a situation differently? Not everyone is capable of doing that, that is the reason I think she would not allow herself to believe I could do it. So many times people had promised her they would and she had just been burned by them. When enough promises are broken, a person just give up believing. It is hard, to look at yourself in the mirror and admit to yourself your faults, your insecurities. I am a confident person, but I don't have all the answers, but I try to find them. I do not think I will find the answer to having Tammi open her heart up to me again, but the best I could do towards that end, was to look at myself, ask what can I learn, what can I change? so that maybe this will not happen again. It has been said there are no problems, only opportunities. Well, I took this as an opportunity to improve myself, to grow as a man, a human. It is also said it is not what comes your way, but how you react to what has come your way. Again, I took this as a way to improve myself. It would have been easy to just say, "there is nothing wrong with me, I don't have to change a thing". But that would have been the easy way out. We all have room for improvement in our lives, whether it is exercising, eating right, or improving how we interact with others. My relationship with my parents has improved so much, I get along with them so good now, it is almost scary. When I first got here, those first couple of weeks were very difficult. But over the past several weeks, as I have worked on my interaction with others, I get along so good with them now. Dad no longer puts me down, Mom is alot of fun to be around, and it is not anything they are doing different, it is how I am interacting with them. I no longer have these expectations that people should do things the way I do them. I no longer try to impart my way of doing things on them. I do things my way, but only when it is my choice. I communicate with them, and when the situation warrants it, try to negotiate a mutually beneficial compromise. I want this to become second nature to me, I want to become the kind of person I always dreamed of being. Will that help me in my hope to reconcile with Tammi? I don't know, as I said, that is not up to me. All I can do is become the best person I can be, and then let fate, and my path that is laid out before me decide the rest. I do hope our paths in life will merge once again, but I cannot worry about what I cannot control. My destiny is not completely in my hands, I can only prepare myself for whatever comes my way.

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