A friend sent me...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." a link to a website that deals with breakups. I decided to post the 4 stages along with a short discussion about how I have gone through each stage. Stage 1. Denial. Yes, I experienced the classic stage of denial, as defined by the site. For the first month or so after she sent me away, I would send her emails and ecards professing my undying love and devotion to her, and how I thought this was such a big mistake, that a love like ours does not come around that often in a persons life. While I stil believe all that, I quit sending the emails and ecards, in my mind to give her space to think about what was happening, believing she would eventually come aroound and contact me. It was not to be. Stage 2. Depression. Because I was no longer contacting her, and therefore having no contact with her, I entered into a deep depression stage. I would speak to God many times daily, and while there is nothing wrong with that, and in fact I believe it to be good to talk with God, I was still depressed. I longed for her to call, to email me or write me a letter. I did not want to eat. When I was invited to go somewheres with my parents, I did not want to go, I made excuses to stay home. As an example, I told Dad one morning I did not want to leave in case a potential job came up. In reality, I just did not want to go, not because it was with Dad, but rather because I was so depressed. Stage 3. Anger. This is the stage I am in right now. I am so angry with her for doing this to me. How dare she tear me apart like this after all the support I gave her. I am sorry she feels I did not support her, but I did and she did not support me with her daughter. When it came to my child I got support from her, at least for a while. But when she says I did not support her, that is so very wrong. To not support her would have been to say "This is just a phase, she does not need any help from a hospital" when Jessica threatened her. How much more support can a spouse give than to have their child committed to a psychiatric facility? It is too bad Tam could not see the support I gave her. My child was put in a hospital and I have pretty much lost her for the remainder of her teen years and maybe forever because her mother and I supported each other in the decision. If my wife, the stepmother could not identify that as support for her, then she is the one blind, not me. I am angry because whenever I had issues with her daughter, all I could get back is, "Laura will never be good enough for you" or "I think you are just trying out methods on Laura that you want to use on Jessica". Thats a load of crap. The girl dissed me by not fixing her car, making us be put out whenever she had the means to do different. I tell you what, I see the same things here with my parents and my 37 yr old sister and I made the decision long before I met Tammi or Laura that I would not do that with my own child, and if I am going to be that way with my own child, I certainly am not going to do that with my stepchild. I did not treat Laura any different than I would have treated Jessica, and if Tam can't see that, again she is blind. Laura cost us $700 and Tam made no consequences for Laura. She dissed us by not fixing the car, and she had no consequences. It is NOT my fault that Alton was a bad guy and Laura turned out the way she has. All I wanted was to try to instill in her some respect for others. Instead, for being a strong parental figure, I lost my marriage. I underestimated Tammi's strength and ability to stand up for herself. Sending me away was not a noble or strong thing to do. It was a cowardly thing to do. When she had the opportunity to stand up and teach Laura right from wrong, she backed away, once again running from an issue. I love her beyond human comprehension, but because of that love, I am punished by not being with her. I am angry because she had these issues and she never truly came to me to work out a compromise. Maybe she believes I would not have compromised, but she never gave us the chance to find out. I will forever be partly in this anger stage, as it will become difficult to forgive her for this. She made a promise to me, to take me in sickness and in health, for better or worse, until death do us part. She broke her promise to me, why make it if you are going to break it? The only promise I ever made to her besides the vows was that no matter what I did or how it turned out, it was my BEST. I tried and I really feel she did not. Stage 4. Acceptance. As I said, I will always be partly in that anger stage, it will be difficult to forgive her for doing this. Even though I am in the anger stage, I am also entering the acceptance stage. I accept that she may never call me or write me. I accept that this relationship is over. If she ever does decide she wants to try again, I look at it as a new relationship with someone I knew once upon a time, not as a continuation of an old relationship. She is not the same person I married and fell in love with, nor am I the same for her. These events have changed who we are and how we look at life and people. She told me once not so long ago that she no longer wanted the life we had. Well, I didn't either. I wanted the life we were GOING to have. Of course many things would have been done just as we always had, picnics, garage sales, shopping, etc. I guess it is not to be, at least not the 2 of us doing these things together. As I have come to accept this situation, I also have made the choice to not let her control my life by me feeling pain whenever I do something we use to do. I am looking forward to going to festivals and concerts, going on picnics, even if I go by myself. I will feed some ducks around here and make some day trips to wherever, just to see what is there. This has become what I enjoy doing, and to stop doing these things is to have my spirit defeated. I cannot allow that to happen. The door will be open for her if she ever changes her mind, but I can no longer allow myself to have false hope. That means I have to accept this, and move on.

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