"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I had to write or go crazy. I am missing her so much. I grieve so badly. Life just will not be the same withouth her. it isnt the same right now without her. I cannot possibly imagine having another relationship like i had with tam. the way her eyes lighted up when she saw me picking her up from work, the way she touched me, the way we made love. i hurt, because with billions of women on this planet she is the only one that i feel will ever make me feel the way i did and do.. i ask the why and i search for the answers, but the only answer i cannot get is why she could not try to work it out. after what she has been through, why could she not have a little faith in me that we could find the answers and make it work. i have been holding off on looking at pics of her, not been looking at all the "i love you's" she left on my computer for me (yes tam, i saved them all and have them right now, it is how i know you love me) because i knew it would only serve to make me cry, but right now i need to cry, i need to try to stay connected to her. i am feeling that connection slowly die away, like a warm fire that is about to go out. and once that fire has died, there is only coldness. i dont want to be cold, i want to stay warm, warm with her smile, her touch, her tenderness. why, why, why, i will forever ask, and hoping for the answer. why couldnt i have done something different, why couldnt she have communicated more and better, why did this have to happen to me????? it just does not seem worth living if i dont have her. i have no desire to be alive without her because to be without her is to not be alive. my heart is so empty and hollow, the love i felt from her is missing and i just dont know how to get it back. i write stuff, i post stuff that reflects how i am feeling, but it is all just on the surface, what is deep inside hurts so badly that words just cannot express it enough. i will keep trying. what i post here is not so much for the now, but for the months and years to come so that i will never forget what has happened. it is as if all the stars in the night sky have disappeared and there is only empty blackness. she was my shining star, and now there is nothing.