Learned something about myself today...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." This morning as my mother was cooking us eggs for breakfast on the flat griddle, i told her she did not have to flip mine. she has always flipped the eggs but alot of the time she would break them and get angry and use alot of colorful language. after i had grown up and move out on my own, i swore i would find other ways of doing things rather than put myself in positions to get upset about things. so i learned how to cook them sunny side up, meaning i dont flip mine. well mine were a bit runny this morning and she said she would not let me cook her eggs for her. i asked her "did she think i would cook hers like mine, even though i know she does not like them the way i do?" and she said "well yeah". i told her i knew she did not like them like that and i would cook them her way. and that is when it occured to me that maybe i give off the impression that i only do things my way, that i am not capable of compromise. i mean, if my own mother who has known me all my life thinks that i am not capable of doing things other ways than how i do them, then how can i expect others that have known me for a much less amount of time to think? i have never thought about this before because i have always thought i had made it clear that just because i think something should be done a certain way does not mean i wont do it differently when it is for another person. it made me look at myself and ask how can i get it across to others that i am perfectly willing and capable of doing things how others want things to be done, even when i dont agree with it? is it so wrong to voice your opinion about something without them thinking you are not standing behind them or supporting them? it just made me think and to possibly understand how tammi could have possibly thought i was not willing to compromise on issues. she felt there was no reason to try to compromise because i gave off the impression that there was no compromise in me. that is just not true, but because of my being headstrong and opinionated, i guess she could not see that i can. this is another lesson to learn in the dealing with others. why would my mother think i would cook her food my way, instead of cooking it her way? why would tammi not think i was fully able and willing to compromise on issues, instead thinking there was no compromise in me? i guess i still have much to learn in dealing with others. i have spent the better part of my adult life alone and therefore making all the decisions based upon what i want and how i think it should be done. and even though i always asked tammi's opinion on issues, i am now feeling as though she thought, why disagree with him, he is still going to do as he wants, rather than giving it a try. she may never read this or understand that i am still learning about CNC, but today i learned something about me that i feel is a very valuable lesson. today is a turning point in my life, because i do not want people to have the opinion of me that i am not capable of listening to other points of view, that i am not capable of compromise and negotiation. this i will work on, i will use "creative thinking" to learn how to communicate better. i do not have to win every argument and everything does not have to be done my way. there are many ways to do things. i just want to be able to voice my opinion, hear other opinions and we all communicate to negotiate a mutual compromise. i wish i could tell her about this. i wish she would take a chance that the one thing i will always do is try. she said she just didnt see things changing, but they can and have. they could have without her doing this, i believe, but she did it, and i have learned anyways. i promised her i would. all i want is for our marriage to have a second chance, to prove to her i am who i say i am, that i am not alton or marty or anyone else. I am Paul Dewayne Titsworth, imperfect human, imperfect father, imperfect husband, but i am also someone that wants to succeed at those things, that wants to learn to be a better human, father, husband.

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