On the road to wellness...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Today I took another step towards getting past this awful time and returning to feeling good about where my life is headed. I joined 3 groups on MSN. These are not romance or heartbreak groups. These are groups for photography hobbyist's. One of them is dedicated to only digital photography and the other two for photography in general. I also hope to find a local club in Grand Prairie or Arlington to also join. I feel it is really important at this time of my life to make some friends and go do things with them without regard to personal relationships. I need to stop fooling myself. I am still in love with Tammi and will remain so for who knows how long. The last thing I need to be concerned with is finding a partner. As far as I am concerned she is the only one for me and I am better off just leaving it at that. But I do want some human interaction and since I am passionate about my photography, this is a solid step in the right direction. I am very confident I will be working for Bruce within the next week to ten days, and once I start receiving a paycheck, I will be in a much better position, both mentally and financially, to interact with others. I know that alot of clubs organize trips to different places to shoot pictures, so that will also fall right into my plans. I have come to the conclusion that she was correct, she just didn't love me enough, although she had me fooled pretty good on that. I look at Tom and Tina, and with all of their struggles, they are still together, toughing it out. Tom deals with my daughter because he loves Tina enough that he is willing to deal with whatever he has to to be with his wife. I once again am faced with the reality that no matter what kind of man I am, I was not loved enough that nothing else was more important than us, that nothing else was not insurmountable. I have loved people enough that I had that attitude, that anything could be worked out, but maybe it ust isn't for me to be loved by another. I do not have the answer to that question, but for the time being I will just focus on myself. For the first time in 16 years, it will be all about me. I will visit my daughter, show her I love her, but her mother and I cannot control her, she needs more than we can give. I will support her, and do my best to help her. But for now, it will be about me, and what I want out of the rest of my life. This has been a difficult period of my life, but I must press forward, put as much time between my and the events of this past 2 months as I can. Only then can I start to heal. I am tired, tired of trying so hard do the right things, of putting my trust and heart in other peoples hands, only to have the handed back to me, torn and beaten down. I need for that to stop. It must stop.

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