Figured it out....

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Today while talking to my Dad I figured out what cost me my marriage, and it is MY fault! It all comes down to what my expectations are of other people. I had the belief that others should be willing to do whatever I was willing to do. If I was willing to walk home in 12 degree weather in the snow, they should too. If I was willing to go all out to keep the house clean, then they should too. Today I realized that I had unrealistic expectations of others, that not everyone is willing to do what I am willing to do, to sacrifice as much as I am willing to do. Had I learned this 3 months ago, I absolutely believe that right now I would still be in Rapid City with my wife. I should have been happy with whatever they were willing to do, and if I wasn't then it would have been up to me to decide if what I was getting was enough. She told me she just didn't see anything changing, but I told her I would learn from this and be a better person, and I have learned. I may never get the chance to prove to her the lesson I figured out today, and if that is so, then so be it. But I did learn from it and I will use this lesson in all that I do the rest of my life. This goes back many years and right now, having this suddenly in my mind, I see so many places in my life that it applies to. Now I can see where I wished I had this vision so many years ago, so much in my life would be different. I can say honestly I am glad I knew her, because without her I may have never figured this out about me and I would not have become a better person. My only wish is for her to somehow learn of this and to believe it. Knowing now what I did not know just a few months ago, it saddens me to know I could still be with her. All I can do is take this and do not ever for a moment forget it, or I will have learned nothing. She told me she felt like she had wasted 2 yrs of my life. Well, it wasn't wasted because I learned something that quite possibly I would not have learned had I not known her. Only now I do not get the chance to show her that people do change, that they do learn from their mistakes and become better human beings. Up until now I have been writing in here about how much I love her and miss her, but I have not been writing about what I had learned and what I could do differently. It has been about my pain and sadness. Now, instead of sadness and pain, it will be about what I am doing about that, what I can continue to do to become the kind of person I want to be.

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