why do i keep hurting myself?
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." this is the question i dont think i can ever answer. but i am going to try to stop hurting myself. i am still going through the different stages of this breakup. pain, anger, apathy, depression. i post an ad, and then delete. i post it, not to truly try to meet someone, there is no way i am really ready for that. but i get into that anger stage and think, "fine, if she doesn't want me, someone else will", and i know that to be true. i mean, i met her and she met me, she wanted me and i wanted her, so there can be others. but i keep going through this. i meet someone, fall in love with them, TRUST THEM, and then they end up hurting me. while i am not a perfect guy, it is not all my fault. i am good to them. it is funny, as they walk out of my life, they keep telling me what a great guy i am, what a good, caring, kind man. so if i am such a good, caring, kind man, why do the not want me anymore? do they want someone that hurts them like they were before? do they just not allow themselves to believe i am for real? it pisses me off to love them so much, to want to do for them, only to have them not keep their promise! it makes me mad because i allow myself to love them only to get burned. i think this will be the end of my search for true love. i had ended that once before only to be found by tam. yes, i had my ad on yahoo, that is how she found me, but i had reached the conclusion there were alot of women out there that just wanted some companionship with no strings attached and i was going to be content with that. and then she comes along and steals my heart. i cannot allow that to happen ever again. it hurts too much to love them, to plan a life with them, only to have them walk out on me because they have been burned so many times before that they cannot believe i am for real. listen to me, i am going to be as they are. they got burned so the cannot allow themselves to believe in me, and because of that i can no longer allow myself to believe in anyone else. better off alone, taking my pictures and writing about what I did, what I alone did, rather than writing about a wonderful experience like Tam and I had at Mt. Rushmore and Sylvan Lake, rather than the experiecne Dawn and I had a Mineral Wells State Park, or what Bethany and I had shooting pictures at the horse sculpture. No, all I get left with is memories of wonderful times, but they are tainted and I dont want to remember them because at the end of the memory is the reminder that they are not with me anymore. That they could not find it within themselves to believe in me. That hurts more than anything. The more I work to earn their faith in me, the more they back away. I guess that should be the lesson here, don't try so hard, but that is WHO I AM, and I like who I am, so I am not going to change that. I will always try my best for whoever I am around, whether it is my parents, a woman I love, or my daughter. It is who I am. Because I try my best, I have searched my soul and my mind and that is how I discovered CNC and I will continue to practice that, almost like a religion.