Once again...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I am sitting here this morning, crying over Tammi once again. I keep telling myself she no longer loves me in the hope that it will sink in and I will believe it and somehow move forward with my thoughts. I got a tip from a persons blog about a song called "Moments in Love" by Art of Noise. It is a very sensual song, the kind you would listen to with your loved one with the lights dimmed down, just holding each other and loving them. Tammi would love this song, and the is precisely why I am crying, because it makes me think of her. I love her so much and because she no longer loves me it is so difficult. To love someone with all your heart and soul, to want no other, and to be sent away, to have to accept that which you do not want to accept is probably the most difficult thing a person can have to do. Not to take away anything from anyone who has had a loved one die, but there is a finality to the death of a loved one. But to know she is out there, somewhere, possibly loving another, possibly not, but still out there, laughing, joking, and to no longer be a part of that. It is a horrible feeling. To want her, to desire her, to touch her, but not be able to because you and all you have to give are no longer wanted. I cannot help it when the tears come, and I do nothing to try to stop them, to deny my feelings for her. I have never been one to hide how I feel, and I will not do that now. Tammi was my perfect soulmate and I think I would rather be alone forever, live in my memories of being with her, than try to replace that which can never be replaced. I will go on with my life, I have no other choice. But I will miss her, I will miss her smile, the way her eyes lit up whenever she saw me. I will miss how she told me her dinner was so good, I will miss her holding me, kissing me, how she loved me to rub her shoulders or her legs. I will miss how she said "hey bugger" whenever I came to her work. I do not know why I must lose these things. What God's plan is for me. What purpose there is in doing these things. I have searched so hard these past few months for answers, and I have discovered so many things, things I am working so hard to put into my life. And while they will and have made me a better person, I only wish they would help me in being a better husband to Tammi. I want the joy of falling in love again, but only if it is with Tammi. I want her to fall in love with me all over again. I want the joy I felt those first few months we were together, discovering how much we loved each other, how we made each other felt. (Bonnie Raitt is playing now, she has beautiful love songs too, I Can't make you love me is on).I can't make her love me anymore, I can only continue to try to do what I promised, to become a better human, and hope and pray that someday she falls in love with me again. That she will remember the moments we shared and that they far out weighed our differences in issues. That she too, will want to feel those moments once again. I will forever LOVE you Tammi, and I will pray that someday you will love me again. I will never have the answer as to how Alton was able to convince her to try again, I am just not that kind of smooth talker. I wish I was, but because I am not him, I work to become a better person, to grow as a human so that I can become the husband she once loved and could continue to love, if only she would give our relationship another chance. Not give me a 2nd chance, give us a 2nd chance. I have to be strong because I have no other choice. Celine Dion "It's all coming back to me" is on, and it is so true, everytime I try to forget, to move forward, It all comes back to me, her touch, her smile. The way she kissed me, held me, carried me when I was down, held me when she was down. The way she made me LAUGH, LAUGH LIKE NO OTHER EVER DID OR EVER WILL!!!! I cannot help it.