Happiness...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Happiness is such a fleeting and fickle concept. I should be happy right now, what, after being unemployed for 2 months and now having a job, one that is turning out to be pretty easy because I know exactly what I am doing and I am pretty good at it. Not having to be the one under the stress, and not having to work lots and lots of hours. Ok, working every saturday for 9 1/2 hrs is not the best thing, but i still get 2 days off in a row, have a short workday every friday, so why am I not happy? Because every moment of every day working at Don Davis Nissan is a reminder of exactly why I am there. Because someone I loved so dearly decided I was no longer worthy of their love. What do I have to do in this life to be loved by someone unconditionally? I mean, we may have disagreed on the course of action on issues, but why did she not love me enough to try to work it out? I hurt so badly, I am sad and depressed because even in finding a job, I have no one to celebrate the moment with. It is just another reminder that a part of my life, a part I was enjoying more than at any other time in my life, is over. I am moving on, this is progress. I have bills to catch up on, child support to pay, things to get from rc, and to find someplace to live. and along the way, I will spoil myself just once with a camera that i want. but no matter what i do or how i recover, i am still alone. i miss her. my heart aches to hear from her, to talk to her, to touch her, to love her. my love is all bottled up inside and it has no way to get out because she will not allow me to love her any longer. all that i focus on now is working, so i can purchase the camera i wish to have and go on day trips every sunday. i want to go somewheres, anywheres, take pictures, come back and on my mondays off, while i do chores, upload the pictures and write about where i went and what i did. not for now, but so later in life myself and others can read about where i went and what i did. it is important to me to do this. i am not happy about finding job, i am relieved that i found one. it no longer matters to me where i work or what i do, just so long as i make some money. what matters to me is trying to get on with my life, doing the things i like to do. i hope to go on a picnic soon, i feel the weather will warm up in late february enough to do so. i will have the camera by then and will be going on many such adventures. but for now, it is still just a dream. i read an article about believing in things, any and all things. i no longer believe in happiness for me, if i can just become content then that will have to be enough. i have come close to happiness, but now i know it will forever be an unachievable "thing" for me. work, shoot pics, and write, read a few books, and listen to a little music. and once in a while, think back to a time when i was happy, sharing my life with someone that made me laugh beyond my wildest dreams, wondering how she is doing and is she happy? this will be my life, my destiny. i hurt.